Here in my virgin blog entry, my debut into the highly hyped, but influence-lacking world of blogging, I suppose I should just start from where I am. Flashbacks and flashforwards may come later.

Here's a smattering of thoughts derived from current conditions:

Basically for the the last five years I have been swept along in the world wind of the urgent, ever intending and longing to get nearer to going back to the commision that I understand (the gospel to Salar people), but ever being driven, apparently, by the "cares of the world" [Mark 4:19] farther and farther away from that goal.

I've tried everything, cried, waited, hoped anew, pleaded to man and God for help. Anyway, God finally gave me that infection in my leg, which expedited me getting "home." (I was a company driver for the nation's fifth largest trucking company, and after almost two years of driving, taking very little time off, contracted a formidable cellulitis infection in my right leg.) Remind me to write about Severe Grace sometime. I'd grown utterly tired of being fat, and all the hinderances that is, and doing things "because I have to" instead of because "The Lord said..." My mind, body, and flesh has been to me imprisoned, while my spirit wants to be set free. That's the superficial conflict, at least. Joni Eareckson Tada talks about true healing and true breaking free, not only in spite of physical chains of inability, but through those chains, and because of the all-sufficiency of the Lord our Savior.

So, being back in Corpus with a generally stable, though undoubtably temporary, living environment, I made the executive decision to HOLD EVERYTHING. First, rest and heal up my leg. Done. Then, spend serious time in the proverbial closet with fasting. Well, partly done. I've done fasts before, but this time was much more difficult. Sparing you the gory details, I think my body told me to quit. I broke it Sunday the 13th of June.

It's disappointing to have to quit something I have put so much hope in, but at the same time, there is a real comfort in knowing that I've tried everything and am at a total loss without the powerful hand of the Holy Spirit to do it in me. "In me and my flesh, there is no good thing." And though I certainly already knew I could not succeed faithfully by the flesh, I now know that I can't affect ANY outcome even in the same general DIRECTION of right by the flesh.

I want to be free from ever putting any hope in the flesh from now on. "But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh."

So the tough decision I had to make was to quit the fast--knowing the difference between the signs that tell you you must stop, and the signs that tell you you're being tested and must endure. The future is as unclear as ever--no magic carpet rides of understanding--but I at least with eating again I have a window of opportunity to change to a lifestyle of exercise. I think I'm enjoying some good promises from some studies in Job, Nehemiah, and a book by Joni.